guilt

its a bad feeling.
its almost like a disease.
its the worst feeling ever in the world.
although some of the guilt are for our own good, but it is still guilt.

how to live without guilt?

I don't know cause I am learning myself.
But the harder I try, the worst it got.

Like, no matter how hard u try to not feel guilty especially when you're doing it for yourself, I still felt fucked! Like "what the hell am I thinking?" or "why am I being so selfish?" which is not fair for me, but I just cant help it, which is shit!

While other shit I did that make me feel guilty, were just proper shit. Its more like a line that I'm not supposed to cross, but I "accidentally" did. This guilt is a disease! Its worst like there's no where to turn. You cant take it back, no matter how hard u try. It will stay there, forgotten and forgiven or neither!

I need to blogged it out so that I can let go all of these burden on my shoulder. But obviously NOT what cause the guilt. Will not get into that, but yeah!

There's skeleton in the closet. Everyone have that skeleton hiding in some closets somewhere, and for some, its best to just locked the closet, and throw the key away, so far away that you'll never find it again ever.

So who are you to judge others? Who am I to judge you? While the smart ones will hide it, there will be some who will brag about it. If its too much to take, talk to someone who you trust the most, because its always best to let it out.

Guilt. If only its as easy as those five letters.

-lady-

suicidal..easy way out, or is it?

its an act of a selfish coward, who thinks of no one and nothing but him or herself only. worst is that, you're not just a coward, but also brave at the same time which confuses me! how brave of you to take your own life and yet not brave enough to face the world. all you have to do is walk with head held up high.

 

how selfish of you to only think about yourself thinking "if I die, everybody will be happy!". how pathetic is that? RIP those miserable souls, but for those who is courageous enough to hanged himself, or cut your wrist, or swallowed a bottle of painkillers, well get this, SCREW YOU! 

 

You have families who love you and friends who adore you. You also have a roof on top of your head, enough money to eat something good, a job that is not as good, but its enough, how the fuck is that miserable, I will never know!

 

With all these saying there is no other answer, there is no sense of belonging, it is pure laziness! You let yourself drift away, you let the demon inside you win, and its not even a losing battle. How dare you tell people that they don't understand how you feel? How dare you tell people that it is the only answer for you? How dare you make people believe that it is ok to say OK to suicidal? HOW DARE YOU! You have no right to think, as you OBVIOUSLY don't think when you decided that you'll commit suicide.

 

Family that you left, friends that you knew, other people that was part of your life although is not as important, you left them questions that they don't even know where to start. You are wrong to think that this is the only way that you can think of. You are wrong to think that its OK to commit suicide. You are wrong to think that life is not worth living.

 

You have no rights to let people who were once part of your life feel miserable because you've committed suicide. You have no rights to think that people don't care when you don't even care to ask. 

 

I am angry because how does one soul that someone knew little about and yet felt the pain of what you did to yourself. They don't have to feel sorry for you, but they do. They don't even have to think about you, but they do. Why would they think about you when you don't even think about yourself? You made them miserable, you made them feel like shit, and yet you dare thinking by committing suicide, things will all be OK, well news flash..YOU'RE WRONG!

 

I will CONDONE suicide. I will not agree that people don't understand how it feels like. I will not agree that there is no where to go but to die. No one tells you that life is easy. No one tells you that everything is within grasp. No one tells you that shit happen and sometimes, it won't go away. But everyone will tell you this, that there will be one point in your life, where you will feel like everything's against you, but they too will tell you that it will eventually be OK, because believe me it will.

 

Get help! Fight the demon inside you. No one says its gonna be easy. But take a look at yourself, you're perfectly fine! If you don't think you are, believe me there are millions more who are far worst than you. Look at your parent's face. Imagine how heartbroken will they be, your brothers and sisters. Look at your wife, your kids. Imagine how distraught they will be. Poor kids have no idea who their dad is. Poor woman is left widowed because you're scared to face the life that was given to you by God Almighty, and believe that you will at least try and die a peaceful die.

 

Talk to your friends. Talk to your loved ones. Go out and smell the air. Its beautiful out there. Anything can go wrong, but what is life without obstacles? What is victory without sweat and blood? What is sun without rain? If you're brave enough to commit suicide, you're sure brave enough to walk proud and face the evil world.  

 

Because one day, things will be OK. Believe me, and I promise, that it will all be OK!

 

there's always light at the end of the tunnel..

-lady-

what exactly do you want?

EVERYTHING really! right?

But do we need everything? Not necessarily. 

I have my family who loves me..although they're far away, but its my choice.

I have an amazing man who loves me..he too is far away, not my choice..but it is what it is.

I have friends who love me, or maybe not, but as far as i'm concern we do care for each other.

I have a roof under my head, not a big one..but its still a shelter.

I have food to eat, or fancy ones if i want.

I have a job, not as fancy, but it does support me.

I have nice clothes, nice shoes, not as expensive, but its good enough.

So what else do i want? Thats about it really.

NO! because im a human being like u. We always want more, even after we got what we want, that's one nature that nurture inside of a human brain, and its normal.

Well I have my days when i thought, why don't i get what i want? why do people get what they want even if they dont need it? I start feeling shit, start feeling sorry for myself. I start being ungrateful. I start feeling all those unwanted feelings that you could possibly think of. Its crap. I shouldn't be thinking that way, but days like these will unfortunately come every once in a while.

There's also days when i thought, ive been blessed. not everyone gets to live a life like i do. do what i want, and most importantly get what i want. I enjoy living. I am grateful having the chance to live the life that i want to live. I start looking at things in a different view. I always think of positive things.

But at the end of the day, nothing lasts forever. I know it and you know it. But I don't get YOLO! Its such a stupid things to say and live by. And because its stupid, you tend to do stupid things too. So YOLO, and you can get drunk and wake up in someone else's bed? So YOLO, and you can try a "line" and forget about it tomorrow? 

You see, even though I get what I want, I now need what I want.

I need my man by my side, not thousand miles away.

I need my family around, not across the globe.

I need a better job and a better pay.

So when I'm feeling down, i feel like everything is falling apart. But when I'm feeling great, i feel like i have got everything that i want, although i still want more. 

Satisfaction is not easy. Sacrifices are not easy either. You can choose to be selfish and have everything, and end up losing everything, or choose to be grateful, and believe that good things will eventually happens.

God has plans. His plans are always PERFECT. Make no mistake.

Most of the times, we forget to thank Him, and most of the times, we forget that we don't necessarily deserve good things that happen to us. 

Why you ask? Because, just how much do you give Him in returns of His plans for you?

 
call it whatever you want. it is what it is.

-lady-