today

i lie if i say im feeling better today. i lie if i say i cannot do this anymore. i lie if i say i am fine. 

because i am not. 

i got what i want, career wise, but not being able to share it with him, whatever i got seems meaningless. i want to be able to share it with him. i want to be able to get a hug and hear him saying "good job!" or "way to go!" or "u deserve it", but i aint got any, and for all i know, its harder. 

i want to be able to talk to him when i got stuff going on.

i want to be able to discuss my decisions with him.

i want to be able to hear what he got to say about stuff.

i want him to be there and stand up for me whenever i need him too.

i want to hear he says "everything's gonna be OK, i promise!"

i stare when the bus stopped, hoping its him who get off the bus.

i stare at the door, hoping he'll walk in and give me a big warm hug.

maybe i was wrong to depend on him too much. maybe i want to depend on him that much. maybe i am asking for it. 

no matter how hard i try to let it go, it becomes harder to do so. no matter how hard i try to be normal, people can see the sadness in my eyes. 

the sun was out today. as i walked along the street, everything seems weird. its like i was wandering around to a place that i've never been before, when it is the same area that i've been living in for the past 3 years.  

keep looking around. maybe i get to see the glimpse of him among the crowd, because i should be able to, because this is our live, because that's what we do, walking around on a weekend, especially on a sunny day like today.

..but there was none. 

i know eventually, there will be light at the end of the tunnel, but as it is, everything is dark. it was so confusing. how something so beautiful can turn ugly. how something so special turn into misery. 

the wind was so strong today, i wish it took away my sadness..

..and bring me back my happiness.

-lady-